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Trouble in Paradise
Gaston Monescu: Madame Colet, if I were your father, which fortunately I am not, and you made any attempt to handle your own business affairs, I would give you a good spanking - in a business way, of course. Mariette Colet: What would you do if you were my secretary? Gaston Monescu: The same thing. Mariette Colet: You're hired.
Radio Commentator: From Geneva comes the news that the famous international crook, Gaston Monescu, robbed the peace conference yesterday. He took practically everything except the peace.
Mariette Colet: No, no, Francois, I tell you, no. You see, Francois, marriage is a beautiful mistake which two people make together. But with you, Francois, I think it would be a mistake.
Lily Vautier: You see, mother is dead. Mariette Colet: Yes, that's the trouble with mothers. First you get to like them, and then they die.
Gaston Monescu: Do you remember the man who walked into the Bank of Constantinople, and walked out with the Bank of Constantinople?
Gaston Monescu: Well, what did she want? Lily Vautier: You. And she's willing to pay as high as 50 francs.
Gaston Monescu: I came here to rob you, but unfortunately I fell in love with you.
Waiter: Yes, Baron. What should we start with, Baron? Hmm? Gaston Monescu: Oh yes. That's not so easy. Beginnings are always difficult. Waiter: Yes, Baron. Gaston Monescu: If Casanova suddenly turned out to be Romeo having supper with Juliet, who might become Cleopatra, how would you start? Waiter: I would start with cocktails.
Purse Salesman: This one, Madame Colet, is only 3,000 francs. Mariette Colet: Oh, no, that's entirely too much! How about that one? Purse Salesman: Oh, this one, Madame. Well, that's 125,000 francs. Mariette Colet: But it's beautiful. I'll take it.
Lily Vautier: Well, I'll leave you alone with that lady. But if you behave like a gentleman, I'll break your neck.
The Major: See here, my good man. You've been saying good-bye for the last half hour and staying on. I wish you'd say "How do you do" and go.
Gaston Monescu: It must be the most marvelous supper. We may not eat it, but it must be marvelous.
Gaston Monescu: It could have been marvelous. Mariette Colet: Divine. Gaston Monescu: Wonderful... . But tomorrow morning, if you should wake out of your dreams and hear a knock, and the door opens, and there, instead of a maid with a breakfast tray, stands a policeman with a warrant, then you'll be glad you are alone.
Lily Vautier: You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were an American. Gaston Monescu: Thank you. Lily Vautier: Someone from another world, so entirely different. Oh, one gets so tired of one's own class - princes and counts and dukes and kings! Everybody talking shop. Always trying to sell you jewelry. Then I heard your name and found out you were just one of us. Gaston Monescu: Disappointed? Lily Vautier: No, proud. Very proud.
Lily Vautier: I have a confession to make to you: Baron, you are a crook. You robbed the gentleman in 253, 5, 7 and 9. May I have the salt? Gaston Monescu: Please! Lily Vautier: Thank you. Gaston Monescu: The pepper too? Lily Vautier: Oh, no, thank you. Gaston Monescu: You're very welcome. Countess, believe me, before you left this room, I would have told you everything. And let me say this, with love in my heart: Countess, you are a thief. The wallet of the gentleman in 253, 5, 7 and 9 is in your possession. I knew it very well when you took it out of my pocket. In fact, you tickled me. But your embrace was so sweet.
Gaston Monescu: I love you. I loved you the minute I saw you. I'm mad about you, my little shoplifter... . my sweet little pickpocket... . my darling.
Lily Vautier: Don't you remember the day you took that Chinese vase from the Royal Palace? And you made it into a lamp for my night table. Gaston Monescu: I remember the lamp, I remember the night table... . and I remember the night.
François Filiba: Nice day, Major. The Major: Eh-hmm. François Filiba: You're looking fine, Major. The Major: Now see here my good man, I've had just about enough of your insulting remarks.
The Communist: [excitedly and emotionally] Phooey, phooey, and phooey! Gaston Monescu: [dryly] His phooey is worse than his bite.
Lily Vautier: This woman has more than jewelry. Gaston Monescu: [sighs loudly] Lily Vautier: Did you ever take a good look at her... ummm... Gaston Monescu: Certainly. Lily Vautier: They're alright, aren't they? Gaston Monescu: Beautiful. What of it? Let me tell you something - as far as I'm concerned her whole sex appeal is in that safe.
Gaston Monescu: I see. You have to be in the Social Register to keep out of jail. But when a man starts at the bottom and works his way up, a self-made crook, then you say, "Call the police! Put him behind bars! Lock him up!"
Mariette Colet: I have a confession to make to you: You like me. In fact, you're crazy about me.
François Filiba: Tonsils! Positively tonsils!
The Major: I like to take my fun and leave it.
Lily Vautier: [fuming] I wouldn't fall for another man if he was the biggest crook on earth!
Mme. Bouchet: That's that Monsieur La Valle. François Filiba: La Valle? Who is Monsieur La Valle? Mme. Bouchet: I don't know. She says he's her secretary. François Filiba: Oh? So... Mme. Bouchet: And he says he's her secretary. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he is her secretary.
Mariette Colet: When a lady takes her jewels off in a gentleman's room, where does she put them? Gaston Monescu: On the - On the night table. Mariette Colet: But I don't want to be a lady.
Gaston Monescu: Everything will be all right again. Prosperity is just around the corner.
Gaston Monescu: It embarrasses you to offer me the 20,000-francs reward? Mariette Colet: Yes. Gaston Monescu: Don't be embarrassed. I'll take it. I need the money. I wish I were in a position to ignore the whole matter, but you know, madame, the stock market, a bank crash - to make a long story short, a member of the nouveau poor.
Mariette Colet: Now, Monsieur La Valle, please. Gaston Monescu: Frankly, madame, I'm too tired. Mariette Colet: Don't you want to come down and join the party? Just a little tango? No? Oh, you and your messy old papers and contracts and money, money, money.
Gaston Monescu: Good night, madame. And let me tell you again, you dance like a dream. Mariette Colet: Oh, no. It's the way you lead. Gaston Monescu: No, madame, it's the way you follow. Mariette Colet: No, monsieur. Gaston Monescu: Yes, madame. Mariette Colet: Well, the evening's still young. Let's go down to the living room and talk it over.
Gaston Monescu: Venice can't compare with Constantinople. I don't care what you say! In Constantinople at least you have streets, sultans, pashas, turbans... François Filiba: And harems, hmm? Gaston Monescu: All kinds.
Mariette Colet: What are you going to do with my day tomorrow, Monsieur La Valle? Gaston Monescu: Well, we'll have breakfast in the garden together. Mariette Colet: Mm-hmm. Gaston Monescu: Then horseback riding together. Mariette Colet: Mm-hmm. Gaston Monescu: Then lunch in the bois. Mariette Colet: Together. Gaston Monescu: Then, I would say, a little nap. Mariette Colet: To- [laughs]
Gaston Monescu: It must be the most memorable supper. We may not eat it, but it must be marvelous. Waiter in Venice: Yes, baron. Gaston Monescu: And, waiter. Waiter in Venice: Yes, baron. Gaston Monescu: You see that moon? Waiter in Venice: Yes, baron. Gaston Monescu: I want to see that moon in the champagne. Waiter in Venice: Yes, baron.
Lily Vautier: Darling, remember, you are Gaston Monescu. You are a crook. I want you as a crook. I love you as a crook. I worship you as a crook. Steal, swindle, rob. Oh, but don't become one of those useless, good-for-nothing gigolos.
The Major: Oh, Jacques, has the bag been found? Jacques, Mariette's Butler: Yes, Major. The Major: Is Madame feeling well? Jacques, Mariette's Butler: No, Major. The Major: Is Madame seeing anybody this afternoon, this evening or even tomorrow? Jacques, Mariette's Butler: No, Major. The Major: You may shut the door Jacques. [to François Filiba] The Major: Well, that leaves you holding the bag. Good-bye.
Lily Vautier: Gaston, I know you're awfully busy, and, well, I don't wanna trouble you, but she has one little necklace. You know the one with the seed pearls? It's so quiet and simple. It'd go just beautifully with my neck.
Gaston Monescu: There's more sex appeal coming on the first of the month. It's only ten days - 850,000 francs.
François Filiba: Have you ever been in Venice? Gaston Monescu: No François Filiba: You've never been in Venice? Gaston Monescu: No. Have you ever been in Vienna? François Filiba: No. Gaston Monescu: Amsterdam? François Filiba: No Gaston Monescu: Constantinople? François Filiba: No. Gaston Monescu: You've never been in Constantinople? François Filiba: No. Gaston Monescu: But you have been to Venice? François Filiba: Yes.
Lily Vautier: Two more days and we'd have had 750,000 francs more. Gaston Monescu: We'll have to take what's here. A bird in hand is worth two in jail.
Mariette Colet: How do you like my new dress? Gaston Monescu: Beautiful. Mariette Colet: Hair? Gaston Monescu: Marvelous. Mariette Colet: [leans forward] Lipstick? Gaston Monescu: [leans forward] Crimson. Mariette Colet: Correct. Good night. Gaston Monescu: Good night. Mariette Colet: Good night.
Mariette Colet: Afraid I'm ruining your reputation, Monsieur La Valle? Gaston Monescu: No, yours, madame. Mariette Colet: Monsieur La Valle, I have a confession to make to you. You like me. In fact, you're crazy about me. Otherwise, you wouldn't think about my reputation. Isn't that so? But, incidentally, I don't like you. I don't like you at all. And I wouldn't hesitate one instant to ruin your reputation...
Gaston Monescu: I know all your tricks. Mariette Colet: And you're going to fall for them. Gaston Monescu: So you think you can get me? Mariette Colet: Any minute I want. Gaston Monescu: You're conceited. Mariette Colet: But attractive. Gaston Monescu: Now let me say... Mariette Colet: Shut up. Kiss me. [kiss] Mariette Colet: Wasting all this marvelous time with arguments. [long kiss]
Gaston Monescu: You've got to stay. You can't go now. Mariette Colet: I must go. Gaston Monescu: I'm crazy about you. Mariette Colet: I know it. Gaston Monescu: I love you. Mariette Colet: I believe you. Gaston Monescu: Then why do you want to go? Mariette Colet: Because I want to make it tough for you. [kiss]
Mariette Colet: We have a long time ahead of us, Gaston. Weeks, months, years.
Lily Vautier: I know you love me. Why don't you say something? Come on, be brilliant. Talk yourself out of it. Bluff yourself in. Shut up, you liar, you!
Mariette Colet: You wanted a hundred thousand francs - and I thought you wanted me.
Mariette Colet: But it could have been glorious. Gaston Monescu: Lovely. Mariette Colet: Divine.
François Filiba: You know, if I like a man, I remember him. And if I don't like him, I never forget him. In a nutshell, madam, it is little things like that that drive me crazy.
Gaston Monescu: And, as for you, waiter. Waiter in Venice: Yes, baron? Gaston Monescu: I don't want to see you at all. Waiter in Venice: No, baron.